Death of A Family



Clear skies ahead

As far as the eye could see

Not a cloud for miles

Just the joy of a family

Days upon days of love

Butterflies, puppies, birds and bees

Life was grand tales told of these

Years of happiness the family grew

The stork flew in the grands

And Nana and Papa were names new

Boys first then at last a little girl

Apples of their eyes, center of their world

The years flew by and the skies grew dark

One daughter was lost

On their lives she left her mark

Sadness set like heavy fog

Feeding on their love, hearts left to starve

Father was taken away too

Alas, everyone was lost, everyone undone

A family no longer together in love

But separated by grief and judgment

There was raging a battle inside

No one to hold only tears to cry

Ugly words passed from mother’s lips

Her daughter’s heart broken, torn, ripped

A brother never within reach

Now on his pedestal with judgment to preach

The clouds rolled in, lightning crashed

Thunder rolled and nothing but trash

Tattered and torn, pieces of lives

Unrecognizable by those who pass by

No shelter, no cover to wandering eyes

They move on fractured and alone

Strangers now, the family gone

Why

My heart misses you so

I wish you had not left us

I wish you had not let go

So many reasons to stay

Demons came that night

You were asleep and went away

No I love you

No good bye

The phone rings

Shocked by the words

It had to be a dream

Nothing is as it seems

My pain like fire

Burning me to the ground

No water, no way to put it out

Sweep up my heart

Throw out the debris

What could be left

No shell or form

Spread all over the floor

I weep for you

I lose my way

I long for you

Every, every day

It is dark here

Your light is gone

I can hear your voice

It is your song

Sing to me

Whisper my name

You are here

But another form

I love you now

I love you then

I love until

We meet again

When……..

When will the day come when you do not haunt my thoughts? When will it not hurt to be alone again? When will I not think of you every time I get into bed? When will I not love you one minute? When will I go one day without feeling the need to shed more tears? When will I feel like me again or some version of me? When will I not hear your voice in my ear? When will I not wait for your call at the end of the day? When will my heart stop loving you? When will I trust again? When will I let you go? When will………

She Will Soar

She is not broken
She will bend
No pieces this time
Transformation begins
Acknowledge her loss
She feels the hurt
She knows the pain
She feels the difference
Realizing the change
No loss will compare
Her cross she bares
There is no shame
No guilt, no blame
She stands so tall
She may stumble
But she will not fall
For out of the ashes
She is newly formed
For she has wings
They gently unfold
She begins her flight
It is magic to behold
As she fearlessly soars
There is only beauty
And in this moment
Her soul is restored

Rise

I am dead to you

I no longer exist

You don’t see my face

You don’t taste my kiss

You block me out

You smile at this

A sigh of relief

Finally at peace

She was never here

She was never real

She was taking space

A temporary fill

All signs of her gone

Boxed and put away

No part of her lingers

She is gone today

Who would want you

He laughs and taunts

You idiot, you fool

Her heart bruised

No one could love you

You are a nightmare

No good man’s dream

Just go away now

And leave this place

Never to return

Never see your face

She has been here

She knows the road

She feels no fear

She traveled it before

She stands tall

She will rise

She is broken again

But always survives

Depression’s Darkness

Depression is one of those dirty little secrets that families would ignore as to not bring shame to their picture perfect facade. Like sending your daughter abroad, but others knowing she got pregnant by her high school boyfriend. Like forcing your son or daughter to be what their parents expected by society’s standards and not acknowledging that they were homosexual. Ultimately to be shunned by their family and the World once they lived their own lives. And yes, depression, because it uncovered some weakness or horrible genetic mutation in the family bloodline.

Well, we no longer live in those times. No one should be shamed into not being able to admit who they truly are, what addiction or illness they are bearing like The Scarlet Letter.

Depression is My Scarlet Letter, and I am not afraid to acknowledge or afraid to admit it. I am more afraid NOT TO. It is very, very dark and real. Most people do not believe, understand or will even acknowledge it unless they have suffered from it as well. That is the shame in it…..your own family and friends do not believe it!

It is the darkest place to be. There is no light, no joy, no nothing. It is emotionally and physically debilitating. It will take your mind to places you never dreamed or imagined in your worst nightmares. It is paralyzing with its claws around you. You feel completely alone and hopeless, and the worst part is YOU WANT TO BE THERE, because you cannot drag yourself out of that pit. It is like a thousand hands are holding onto you and will not let go. You can only hope and pray that you might find some semblance of peace in sleep, if you are one of the lucky ones. However, sleep does not always come. I have had days upon days of no sleep, my mind never shutting down, and then the paranoia sets in when you think, will I ever sleep or have one ounce of peace again. It just becomes a vicious cycle. You do not care if you get out of bed, shower, see anyone, talk to anyone, because you absolutely do not want any of these things. NO CONTACT WITH THE OUTSIDE WORLD! Just leave me alone, because you do not have the capability to communicate or much less socialize with anyone. It is a monstrous feat just to go out of your front door. To go to even the grocery store is like prepping for an exam that you have to pass to graduate. You have to talk yourself into doing the very smallest tasks or things and in the end you will most likely change your mind and back out at the last minute. Your mind and body is a prison to it. It takes over your existence like some other worldly spirit guiding you into the unknown. You cry until you think you have no tears left and your eyes are swollen shut like an allergic reaction to a bee sting, then they still keep coming. When is it going to end? Where is my lifeline? Throw me a rope? Turn on the lights, please.

If you are fortunate, you can get the right medication and seek counseling. I implore you to do these two things. There is no cure, but these things do help make it manageable. Do not stray from a path that works for you when you find it. Stay the course.

It is a battle like any other illness, addiction or habit. When hard things happen you will see its ugly head rise again, it has for me now. Losses are great and deep, and they are enormous triggers. Please reach out and talk to someone that understands. You would be surprised at the number of people you actually know that battle it, too. It is always better to face a battle in numbers. Equip yourself with the right and best weapons and armour. I pray for myself, for my daughter who has seen me in the throws of it firsthand, and I pray for everyone who reads this post. My email address is at the bottom. Please feel free to comment or email me personally. It does make it easier to know you are not in this pit alone. I am right there in it beside you. 💜💜

I AM NOTHING

The day my sister died, I knew my life was changed forever. Then my dad passed. You think things could not get any worse. Then, your worst nightmares come true.

I had no idea of the magnitude. Like an earthquake, an erupting volcano, a tsunami. Shaking the very core and foundation of my life, my world, everything gone. Burned and melting with the flowing of the hot lava. The water rushing out the coming back in with a force so strong it destroyed every beautiful thing in its path. It has all been ripped apart to shreds. There is no turning back, no glue, no cement, no nothing to put me, us back together. Every person for themselves. Casualties lie by the wayside. Broken hearts, broken lives and broken family.

The fairytale that was once my life is now ugly, sad, mean and hateful. I do not want to live in this life, in this world. There is no relief, no peace, nothing. I am nothing here.

I am unhappily ever after.

Words, Promises

A man used to be measured by his word, the firm shake of his hand, and promises kept. This is how my dad was raised and this is how he lived his life. I wish I had lived my life more in the way my dad lived his. He is gone now, and I miss the security of having a GREAT MAN in my life.

I now live in a world where words are a dime a dozen, a promise is a joke and a man cannot stand behind a tree much less his words and promises.

The men in today’s world flat out lie, live two lives, or pretend to be what you want until it gets down to the point they have to put up or shut up and you know what? THEY SHUT UP, SHUT DOWN AND SHUT YOU OUT.

Well, for the first time in a long time……I AM DONE. I am done being lied to, being made a fool of, unwanted, unloved, made to feel unworthy, and taking A MAN’S WORD!

There is no man as great as my dad and no one with his qualities. I would rather be alone than be a part of anyone’s fictitious life ever again.

THAT’S A PROMISE!

My Boy

He was born on September 20, 1989. My sister, Wendi, was in the hospital having this piece of the Dunbar generation to live on after we are all gone. Cameron is the first grandchild born to my parents. He is the first nephew born to me, but he has always been and will always be a son to me. Even more so, now that his Mom, my sister, has left this World.

He is tall and lean but physically stronger than you would imagine. He is a true country boy. He loves the land here at Dunbar Hill that he walks and drives through it on a regular basis. He is tough, but so tender hearted and not afraid to shed one tear, unlike so many young men his age. He is loyal to the ones he loves and would fight to the death to protect them. He is proud of where he lives and where he comes from. He has had his tough breaks, made his mistakes but has risen above those and moves forward after losing his Mom and his Papa, father figure and mentor. He does this to keep their memories alive and honor the man they wanted him to be.

I remember him as a sweet, loving child, smiling laughing and helping his Papa do everything, wash cars in his tiny speedo, sit on the bathroom counter and shave and load up in that truck and take every trip he possibly could with Papa, my Daddy. My Daddy loved him like no other person in the world. It broke my heart to see his heart break when Daddy died. I didn’t know if he could survive it after losing his mom. Losing her was big enough as it had been just the two of them for so many years. It has been a different loss for each one of us but very hard for a 28 year old young man with his whole life ahead to be a husband and father and so wanting them to be there for those big milestones.

I am doing just what Wendi would want and expect and what I have always done, picking up the pieces of his life and and heart and being here for him. I want to and I have to because that is the way it has always been meant to be since the day he was born.

When he has struggled, I have prayed he would succeed. When he has succeeded, I have been there to applaud. When he has cried, I have been there to cry with him. And boy have we laughed together. There is not one single second I have not loved him, I have not worried about him, there is not one loss I have let him grieve alone. Those things will never change. I love him so much and seeing him go through the roughest time in his life without his biggest anchors breaks my heart, but it makes me love him even more.

Our family is changed forever. It is so hard every day. The one thing that will NEVER change is the love I have for him is so fierce and all encompassing. I will never leave his side as long as I have a breath left in me. This I promise.

Unrecognizable

It has been months now since losing Wendi and Daddy. The pain is still unbearable some days. This week has been filled with those days. The more time that goes by the more apparent the loss of my sister and my father has a divide in our small, close knit family. The pattern that once held us all together has snagged and everyday it unravels a little more, and so do I. This is MY FAMILY, and it feels like the rest now look in from the outside are becoming people I do not recognize and only care about one person’s loss, not everyone’s.

WE ALL LOST in some unrepairable way.

We have all grieved in a different way, apart and together. It is so difficult to know exactly how to comfort one another when you are literally drowning in your own grief. When you feel like you cannot take another breath, you do not want or care if you get out of your bed, you think there is no way possible to have one single tear left, when in fact, you have a monsoon left to shed. You want to scream, to cry out, because you know no one will hear, no one is listening. You think getting up and out of your house will do the trick. When you do get out, all you want to do is get back home as quickly as possible. Inside the walls of your home, of your bedroom is the only safety you feel.

I spent the day with my sister’s son, always like my son, Cameron. Both of us in tears knowing he will not have his dance with his Mom and Papa will not be by his side as his Best Man.

My Mom is a shell of the woman she was. She grieves for her best friend and husband of 60 years. I believe she may die of a broken heart, and the loss of her daughter.

I struggle with my own grief and depression from losing my sister and dad, and it is only compounded seeing their wounded hearts and broken lives.

In the days following my dad’s death there were already signs of the slightest hairline fractures in the foundation of our family, our love, and our closeness as a clan. After his service more cracks were made and lines began to be drawn. I had hope those would be in pencil….apologies would be made and things would heal, but those lines are inked in like a tattoo now. More are sure to follow. The family I loved, adored and admired is broken just like my heart. I want to close my eyes and it to all go away. Because no matter what was spinning out of control in my life, my anchor and peace was my family.

I am dizzy from the spinning and I want off the ride that my life has become. I have no peace except in sleep…..and I pray that dreams will not invade the only safe haven I have now.